"A photo says, you were happy, and I wanted to catch that. A photo says, you were so important to me that I put down everything else to come watch."
Kristen is off napping and as I was staring at the computer screen I thought I'd add this picture that she has as a screensaver. She's titled it "Dancing Queen". Kristen is 4 and we've come from Belgium to visit and show off Kristen's new little brother who is 3 months old. If I remember correctly, Kristen got to enjoy Halloween with her cousins and Steven was baptised during this trip. One of my memories of Kristen and this trip occurred in Tulsa, OK during a downpour. Kristen was a Barbie queen. In fact, when we moved back from overseas and I did our inventory I found that at 4 she had 25 Barbies! Anyway, we were driving across town from where ever and were passing a Walmart. Even at 4 and living in Belgium, she knew that Walmart had a toy section and Barbies. She was begging me to stop and I told her that it was raining too hard for me to haul Steven out of the car in the rain. Her response was a pout and the comment, "I wish you'd just take him back where he came from!" Barbies vs. baby brother. Well she was clear about her priorties at the time.
I think about her priorities today. Did we ever forsee that she would be concentrating on recovering from cancer (when I say leukemia sometimes I don't always think cancer) and a stem cell transplant? Sometimes our priorities change in a blink of an eye. And it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need to be shaken up. Sometimes we need to look at our worst possible fears and realize, I CAN DO THIS. I can't speak for Kristen but I know what my worst fear was. My worst fear was living in a world without her. I thank God every day for the fact that I don't have this fear as a reality. But I also understand that I COULD have done that. I've told my friends that one of the most freeing moments in the past months was the day that I let her go. I mean, I acknowledged to God that she wasn't mine. She never was mine. She belongs to Him. The time I get to spend with her is a gift. He blessed my life with her presence. It was as if the burden of facing the future was lifted from my shoulders. If my worst fear came to be, God was going to show me how I was going to get through. How I would go on. When I quit holding on so tight I began to relax and enjoy the journey. Enjoy the moments that seem stolen in time. The giggling conversations. The whispers laying in bed. The conversations that allowed us to see each other as people, not just mom and daughter. The shared humor in moments when others would cry. Enough said I think. I'll end with another of Kristen's gathered quotes. I love this about her. The collecting of words that touch her heart.
"Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”
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