It's Time

Today is my last post. I will close with a copy of the letter we had read at Kristen's Celebration. Thank you for reading my posts. Thank you for praying for us. Thank you.

We don’t need to tell you how much we loved and adored Kristen. She was a bundle of joy from the day she was born. She was always jabbering, always smiling and always laughing. At a young age she had a way of endearing herself to both young and old. We were blessed in watching her take on this disease without fear and with a grace that few can match. She did not pity herself. She saw this as another challenge. When the world said you can’t, Kristen would say yes I can. She was not embarrassed by her bald head and it just made her even more beautiful. We were proud of her in so many ways, but especially the way she behaved towards the medical staff that treated her. No matter how bad she felt she’d say she was, “Ok.” No matter what they needed to do and how painful it must have been, she’d say, “Thank you!”

We want to let Steven know that even though she acted like a typical big sister, she loved you more than she ever told you. Many times she told us how sorry she was to take us away from you and told you that it was okay if you were mad at her. She often said that if something happened to one of us that she wanted to take care of you. She was proud of you and it gave her great joy to be able to pick out your back-to-school wardrobe. She will always be with you and be that whisper in your ear when you least expect it.

We want Kristen’s friends to know that she loved you all. Even if circumstances pulled you in different directions, she held on to the good memories. She was fiercely loyal in defending you and brutally honest when she felt you needed to hear it. You are always welcome in our home and we hope that you take time to swing by, enjoy some good food and tell Kristen stories.

We also want to thank every medical team that worked with her. Thank you to Dr. Magre for following your gut and getting her to the oncologist quickly. Thank you to Dr. Beck and Highlands Oncology Group for your love and compassion during her battle. I know you were as heartbroken as we were when she relapsed earlier this year. I also know you are as heartbroken now in our loss. Thank you to all of the tireless medical teams at MD Anderson who saw our beautiful, vibrant, courageous daughter for who she was not patient number 774486. Thank you to Dr. Kadia – Leukemia and Dr. Popat – stem cell transplant and the wonderful nursing staff along the way. There were many, many others that came in contact with her from housekeeping to specialists. She always had a thank you for you as you left her room. Thank you to the ICU team at Washington Regional Medical Center for fighting hard for Kristen and getting her where she needed to be in Houston. Thank you to the ICU teams at MD Anderson for tirelessly fighting for Kristen and ultimately helping us gracefully let her go.

We are truly overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and prayers from those of you gathered here today and those that can not be here. Your prayers will continue to carry us through the months ahead as we work through our grief. We felt your prayers and they offered us the strength to walk through each day. We are grateful to our friends and the way that you took care of us along the way. You continue to carry us.

Thanks be to God for blessing us with 21 joyous years with this precious gift. She packed more in those years than many could pack in a 100 years. Kristen knew no half measures, she lived life full throttle. She had a strong faith, and she knew where she stood with Jesus. We know that she is there with him now waiting; for what will just be a blink of an eye, before we join her.

We can not close without thanking God for this journey. He brought us closer as a family and closer to Him. And for that, we have no regrets.

Update of where we are

I've had several aborted attempts to blog the past few days. It's been hard to write about Kristen. Right now it brings up too much emotion. Reality set in hard yesterday as her stone is now in place. Devin and I chose a bench so that her friends can come and sit and talk to her. I like to go out there myself. We all know that she's not there but the symbolism can be strong. So she finally got her tiger lily tattoo. We had it engraved on her stone.

Devin, Steven and I are doing okay. We are on a roller coaster ride of emotions. We remain strong together as a couple and a family. We are prepared for the fact that our grief takes different forms but we all miss her. As days become weeks, weeks become months, we all still wish we could hear her laugh or see her smile. As a mom, I yearn to hold her in my arms. We are doing our best to move forward. It's a slow process, but we are confident that God will see us through.

Please continue to lift our family up in prayer. Specifically pray for God to be with us as we move through the next year of firsts. The first Thanksgiving without her, the first Christmas, etc. Pray that we can acknowledge the hole in our lives without letting it suck us under. Pray that we feel HIS presence and allow it to bring us comfort.

Finally, please continue to support cancer research. Spread the word. Tell our story. Talk about giving to cancer research. Talk about the importance of signing up for Be the Match, especially among minorities and mixed race families. Give blood. YOU can make a difference. Do not let Kristen's battle just become a memory, allow it to be an inspiration to further awareness of this terrible disease.

It's Always About the Shoes

The other day someone commented on the shoes I was wearing. It reminded me of one of Kristen's less appealing characteristics, at least to me, being ornery.

I was Kristen's Sunday School teacher when she was in 10th grade. She was probably the most disruptive student in the class. I thought it was just because I was the teacher. I found out later that she talked during all her classes. That's why she always had so much homework and Steven doesn't. He gets it done at school where Kristen probably yakked her way through any free time. Somehow she'd catch me off guard right at the beginning of class. And of course, the topic was usually shoes! Somehow she'd bring up the topic or someone would comment about someone else's shoes, etc. We would waste more time on fashion. I remember at times coaching her before we even left home to not get me off the topic of the lesson. She had a talent for misdirecting the conversation. I always felt bad for the guys in the class that would suffer through our shoe talk.

Her taste in shoes was iffy at best. She had this pair of black "hooker" heels. They were something else. I also remember we put money in her account and it wasn't long before she said she was broke again. I asked what did she spend the money on. Oh, a $40 pair of shoes that she HAD to have for a Pretty Lights concert. What is scary is I think I'm the same way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not buying new shoes for a Pretty Lights concert, but I do have some lame excuses for buying another pair. Finding the perfect pair of shoes, can be better than chocolate. Seriously, just ask the women you see killing their feet in a great pair of heels!

Happy Halloween!

Kristen talked this summer about dressing up as GI Jane for Halloween. She figured her hair wouldn't have completely grown back yet. She would dress up in a variety of costumes for Halloween. One year she went as Jasmine. I made her hair out of black tights. When she was little little I dressed her up as a pumpkin. I wasn't a seamstress so she wasn't getting anything home made! She loved carving pumpkins. The picture above is of Kristen and Steven sometime between 1997 - 2000 at our house in Bartlesville. She would have been so proud of Steven this year. He bought a pumpkin on Friday and carved it while Devin and I were out. I was so surprised and tickled by the fact that he had it all done and waiting to show us. He'd even tracked down a small candle to put inside it.

Hope you enjoy your Halloween! Last year we had over 200 trick or treaters. This year I'm sorry when the candy runs out it runs out. And if the light is off, the candy is gone!

Always Laugh

Kristen had the gift of being able to laugh at herself. I'd like to say that I had some part in teaching her to do that. I am not very good at that myself so I would coach her when she was younger to laugh first. That way people laugh with you not about you. I remember her telling a story of an incident that happened at Fayetteville High. Now FHS is a big school with a lot of students. Kristen's class alone probably had around 600 students. So the population of the entire school was probably around 1800 give or take. I don't remember if this happened her sophomore or junior year. She had worn a short skirt to school that day along with flip flops. The skirt was not tight but floaty. I guess as she was walking up the stairs from the Bulldog lobby she tripped. Her skirt popped up and she flashed her panties at everyone behind her. At almost any time of the day the Bulldog lobby would have been packed. Miss Grace (not) just turned around and said to the crowd in general I hope you enjoyed the show. Isn't that awesome? I would have been one of those who was so unbelievably embarrassed that I would have wanted to hide. Kristen on the other hand just lead the laughter. That ability was really endearing.

Here's another laugh for all you cat lovers. This is my "nephew". He's a little precocious to say the least. His momma keeps wanting me to take him. He's certainly half wild half cat-child! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFq_4cS7GHs

Thank God for Seatbelts!

I went to pick up Steven earlier and we got to talking about driving. It was pouring rain and we both commented that we didn't like to drive in the rain. Then we got to talking about the driving skills of his peers. Of course that led us to Kristen. Kristen was one of the worst drivers. She thought she was so good but... We should have known when she backed out over the median on her 16th birthday that we were in for a challenge. Not long after this she was driving too fast downhill on a rain slicked road and ran into the back of a pick up. A couple thousand dollars later she was back on the road. Then came her summer job. One day she thought she was late for work and ended up with a speeding ticket going 56 mph in a 35 mph zone. Then she had driving class so she wouldn't get the ticket on her record. I can't tell you how many tickets she got over the past few years. I just know that Devin and I started to get nervous that either a)our insurance would drop her, b)our insurance would be outrageous, or c)she'd lose her license. Seriously it was that bad. Before we went to Houston for the last transplant she managed to total her car and then on Mother's day get a speeding ticket in the Sequoia. I told Steven that I never felt like I needed to hold on when I ride with him. Kristen on the other hand, I usually had a tight grip on the door handle or the one above the window. Oh, and my imaginary brake never worked so good in her car. There have to be some cities/counties up by KU that have taken a budget hit since she's no longer paying double to keep a ticket off her record!

Fight Fight Fight!

A few of the team on race day. You can see Kristen's picture on Becky's jersey.

Becky's team from Wichita, KS. (You can also see Becky's injured foot!)

Kristen's picture on slide show at Spaghetti Dinner the night before the race.

So sorry I haven't been posting. Sometimes I actually don't have a lot to say! Let's see I'll just give you an update today. In the past week Jordan and her walk team raised over $900 towards LLS during their walk in Manhattan (NY not KS). Becky's Team and Training event raised over $105 million towards LLS! Not just Becky's group but all the TNT runners. Pretty awesome if you ask me. The pictures above are ones she sent to us.

Devin and I ordered a headstone for Kristen last week. I feel some relief knowing that is in the works. They also placed a temporary marker. Little details that really are important to us.

I've been really missing Kristen this past week. Reality has set in. I've been so emotional that I got to thinking about Kristen and I and emotions.

We were not afraid to fight. In fact we got into some great knock down drag outs. Yelling was not unusual and God forbid anyone walk in during one of them. The good thing about these was that we always got our feelings out. But we never ended with the fight, we usually came back together, after calming down, to talk it out. That was the most important part. To calmly talk about why we were so passionate in our feelings. I'd tell her where my mindset was and she'd explain hers. Most of our arguments would arise when I had to be a mom and not a friend. Those lines were often blurred with us. Moving so much really kept us tight. I've mentioned in a previous blog about how Kristen would raise her right hand in a "what" gesture and say, "Really! Do you really want to go there?" My response sometimes was "Really I really want to go there." That response only came when I was just as put out as she was.

I'd love to be fighting with her right now. That would mean she was still here. Instead I hold onto that great memory of how we were "real" with each other. Our relationship was stable enough to withstand those mom/daughter battles. I'm so thankful for that.